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« on: July 26, 2006, 04:21:49 am »
This is just a sample of a mystery script I'm writing. Just trying to gather some opinions. Moves a bit quickly, but I don't believe in dull spots, especially if there's a lot of story to get through.
Cradle Hill (Tentative title)
First Draft by Kyle Van Dongen
1. EXT. Cabdale Station ??? Evening
A modern passenger train rolls down a worn track and comes to a stop beside an old fashioned platform. A young couple emerges from the train. An ATTENDANT is right behind them; he directs them towards the caboose. They nod and head to the back of the train. The second (and last) person to step out of the train is a middle-aged man with a pale face and dark hair. He is wearing a white shirt (complete with a tie), dark pants, and an old fashioned hat. Slung over his shoulder is a plain black overcoat that seems as if it would stretch to his knees. This man is HOWARD CONRAY.
ATTENDANT
Please retrieve your luggage sir.
Howard yawns and stretches ignoring the attendant.
ATTENDANT
The train is a bit behind schedule sir and any attempt to make haste on your part would be much appreciated.
HOWARD
I had to change seats.
ATTENDANT
I???m terribly sorry sir.
HOWARD
There should be a law against letting annoying people on trains.
ATTENDANT
Such a law could be seen as a form of discrimination against those people less desirable, such as yourself. Now please, would you collect your luggage?
Howard leans back against the train.
HOWARD
[Annoyed]
I???m undesirable? Look at you! You???re a drone! A lackey! A servant! An understudy! A chaperon!
[Interrupted by the assistant]
ASSISTANT
[Annoyed]
Are you quite finished yet sir?
HOWARD
I???d go on, but I don???t have a Thesaurus with me at the moment.
ASSISTANT
Might there be one with your luggage?
HOWARD
[Grinning and sarcastic]
Oh, clever boy. Actually, I don???t have any luggage; everything I need is on my person.
ASSISTANT
[Annoyed]
You don???t have any luggage?
HOWARD
You could make good pay in crackers with a routine like that.
ASSITANT
Why didn???t you just say so in the first place? You???ve wasted my time and the time of everybody on this train.
HOWARD
I figured you needed a bit of self-fulfilment. You sent me in a loop and now I???m on my way. The train will make it there in time after all. You are a hero and the world is now slightly better as a result of your actions. Congratulations, you can die a happy man!
Howard tips his hat then abruptly turns around and hops across the tracks into the nearby woods.
2. EXT. Cradle Hill ??? Evening
Howard emerges from a thick forest and makes his way across a barren field towards a large grassy hill. The sun is almost set and the sky is a beautiful mixture of oranges, reds, and purples.
Howard reaches into his pocket and pulls out a black and white photo that appears as if it was once part of a newspaper article. The photo depicts a crime scene, the most prominent image being a white outline of a woman???s body. Howard seems to have used a black pen to circle a small smudge located next to the outline of the woman???s head.
Howard makes his way up the hill. It???s not very steep but still seems to require a certain amount of effort to ascend. Howard eventually reaches the top and begins inspecting the ground. It???s not long before he finds leftover scraps of paint from the outline. Howard quickly compares the lines with the photo. The smudge turns out to be a shiny piece of metal sticking out of the soil. Howard crouches down and carefully pulls the object out of the soil.
Howard grins. He places the object in his pocket.
3. INT. Police Station (Sheriff???s Office) - Night
Howard is sitting alone waiting to see the sheriff. His overcoat and hat are neatly folded on an unused chair located by the door. The walls are bare except for a message board with various newspaper clippings pinned to it.
The door clicks as a large, well-built man dressed in blue jeans, a red flannel shirt, and a cowboy hat enters the room. This man is SHERIFF RICHARDSON. He puts his hand out to shake. Howard ignores the gesture and remains seated. Richardson shrugs then takes a seat across from Howard.
RICHARDSON
Howard Conray I presume?
HOWARD
Word travels fast around here, if only thoughts could do the same.
RICHARDSON
My men warned me about your attitude Mr. Conray. Is there any particular reason why you???re pissed off?
HOWARD
I???m not ???pissed off??? as you so elegantly put it sheriff, in fact, I???m in a pretty good mood today.
RICHARDSON
In that case, why insult my men and I? Are you rude by nature?
HOWARD
Well, I admit I???m not the most pleasant person to be around, but I have other reasons to rip into you and your collection of trained swine.
Richardson grins and leans back in his chair.
RICHARDSON
Please enlighten me Mr. Conray. Show me the errors in my ways.
HOWARD
First things first, do you recall the Atkins murder?
RICHARDSON
How could I forget? That case put Cabdale on the map.
HOWARD
Actually a clumsy cartographer spilled his morning coffee, well I imagine it was something along those lines. Anyway, mind if I run through your report?
RICHARDSON
I don???t have time for this !@#$% Mr. Conray.
HOWARD
Just give me five minutes.
Richardson grins and sets the timer on his watch.
HOWARD
Celene and Jem were the offspring of the famed actress Liz Atkins. Three weeks ago Liz passed away from a stroke leaving her daughters in possession of two silver bracelets and a safe full of money???right?
RICHARDSON
[Impatient]
Yes. Get on with it!
HOWARD
According to the will, both bracelets contained identical keys to the safe, presumably so that both daughters would have equal access to the inheritance. More symbolic than practical if you ask me. Regardless, Jem had very little time to enjoy her new jewellery since she was murdered one week later.
RICHARDSON
Yes, I pity her dearly.
HOWARD
Jem???s body was found atop ???Cradle hill??? just south of town right? A hill clearly along the route to the nearest train station. According to your report, Celene and Jem were going to leave Cabdale for good and start a new life in another country, except Celene didn???t want to share with Jem and brutally murdered her on the way to the train station.
RICHARDSON
Jem was crippled; I can understand why Celene wouldn???t want to weighed down. I don???t know why she had to resort to murder though.
HOWARD
Jem???s body was missing a piece of her arm wasn???t it?
RICHARDSON
Yes.
HOWARD
Your attention to detail never ceases to amaze me. Now answer this: why did she heck off piece of her sister???s arm?
RICHARDSON
I don???t like discussing these things Mr. Conray.
Richardson pulls a handkerchief out of his pocket and wipes a tear from his eye.
HOWARD
[Annoyed]
Oh suck it up. Man, you???re supposed to be the sheriff, I???m surprised your men don???t dance around in pink dresses and catch butterflies all day.
RICHARDSON
[Fighting tears]
This is a small town; it???s different when you know the people.
HOWARD
Does your emotional breakdown cut into my five minutes or do I get an extension?
RICHARDSON
[Angry]
I don???t see what any of this has to do with anything.
HOWARD
I???ll ask again: why did Celene pull the butcher boy routine on her sister???s arm?
RICHARDSON
I don???t know; maybe she was struggling.
HOWARD
So Jem felt as if she needed to disarm her? Pun intended mind you.
RICHARDSON
It makes sense.
HOWARD
Not when you take into account the fact that Jem was a cripple.
RICHARDSON
[Slightly embarrassed]
Well then, we???ll just classify it as madness. She killed her sister after all.
HOWARD
The arm was severed where one might wear a bracelet. Seems like a quick way to steal a certain family heirloom.
RICHARDSON
You came all the way down here just to correct one small detail? Honestly Mr. Conray, the woman left the country with a safe filled with millions upon millions of dollars, do you really think one small bracelet will make much of a difference?
HOWARD
Well actually, I came to inform you that Celene had no reason to take the bracelet, it was identical to hers after all.
RICHARDSON
Well maybe she got greedy and decided she could add it to her already sizeable wad of cash.
Howard reaches into his pocket and holds up a metal bracelet with the name ???Jem Atkins??? carved into it. He pulls open a small panel, underneath is an indentation where a key should be.
HOWARD
If that were the case she would have taken the bracelet, either that or she was, as you say, ???crazy???, and forgot that the key was worthless seeing as she already owns one.
RICHARDSON
How the hell?
Howard reaches into his pocket again, this time he takes out the photo. Richardson quickly snatches it from Howard and begins inspecting it.
HOWARD
Notice the circled area?
RICHARDSON
That could have been anything.
HOWARD
My thoughts exactly, but your story didn???t add up and I felt as if it was worthy gamble.
Richardson can???t seem to take his eyes away from the photo.
RICHARDSON
Where are you from Mr. Conray?
HOWARD
I can???t say, but let me tell you, it was a long train ride.
/shameless plug
