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Author Topic: What are your favourite stand-up comedian quotes?  (Read 775 times)

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What are your favourite stand-up comedian quotes...
« on: November 15, 2008, 02:43:58 pm »
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Mine tend to be from Russell Brand and Jimmy Carr (who I've noticed tend to have very similar jokes but because of the way they dress and speak, come across very differently). Bolded my favourite ones:

Russell Brand:
"The Neptunian underworld king unleashed a barrage of eels from his abdomen and each of the eels was carrying a zippo lighter and as they flew by they spelt across the sky in fire 'Tara can a borrow your eyeliner please?'...if you're gonna make stuff up go mental!"

One minute, he's just a teenage lad in Alaska having joyful unprotected sex, the next minute- get to the Republican Convention! I think that is the best safe sex message of all time. 'Use a condom, or become Republican!' "

Some people, I think they're called racists, say America is not ready for a black president. But, I know America to be a forward-thinking country, right, because otherwise, you know, would you have let that retarded cowboy fella be president for eight years? We were very impressed. We thought it was nice of you to let him have a go, because, in England, he wouldn't be trusted with a pair of scissors.

Let's look beyond the divisions of football teams and look at the unifying force within our souls... SEX!

Jimmy Carr:
It's impossible to pick just a few. Go to wikiquote instead.
http://en.wikiquote.org/wiki/Jimmy_Carr

Other than that, this conversation with a heckler was amazing:
Quote
Heckler: "Your Mum keeps calling me and asking for sex!"
Jimmy Carr: "...My dead Mum keeps calling you!?"
Heckler: "At least twice."
Jimmy Carr: "At least twice? Right, she's barking up the wrong tree with you, isn't she?"
Heckler: "I'm up for it if she is!"
Jimmy Carr: "You're up for it? Well, that's lovely to hear! Not deterred by finding out she's dead, he's gone, 'Yeah! I'll still do her, yeah!' Well it's fine, I mean that would seem like a rude thing to shout out, 'Your Mum's up for it!' but I don't mind at all because, you see, I was warned that he was gonna be hear this evening. I knew you was actually gonna be hear because I was warned by your Mum."
"Seriously, she did, she warned me! She said...."
*Jimmy stands up, turns around and bends over, imitating a woman in the doggy-style position*
"She said... She said 'My boys gonna be at your show. He's a wrong 'un, he'll probably shout something out. What a c*nt!' At least, I think she was talking o me, I wasn't the only one there."
*Jimmy calmly sits down*
"...And she had her mouth full."
*Audience erupts with laughter and applauds*
"Go on, have another go! I do this for a living! I love it!"

I guess this one is probably my favourite:
    * There was one time where I failed to perform sexually. My girlfriend said to me "oh don't worry, it happens to a lot of guys". Ok, there are two things wrong with that. First of all who are these other guys?, and second of all if it's happening to more than one of us, don't you think it could be YOUR fault?

What's your favourite Stand-Up Comedian Quotes?
« Last Edit: November 15, 2008, 02:47:27 pm by TheDarkJay »
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DJvenom

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Re: What are your favourite stand-up comedian qu...
« Reply #1 on: November 15, 2008, 03:05:05 pm »
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"I like to do things, and then tell my friends about it 2 weeks later. Why, you ask? Because I like to use the word Fort-night." - Demetri Martin

"Rice is good, when you're so hungry you want to eat 2,000 of something." - Mitch Hedburg
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