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[Dantztron 3030]

Dantztron 3030

[WIP] Written in Lights

Another short story I doubt anyone will read. Cheers!

Not even close to finished.

I don’t know if you’ve ever noticed, but the world is different when night comes creeping. The differences go beyond the surface and reach into the indecipherable and the ethereal, beyond the darkness and the quiet. The very fabric of existence seems to undergo a shift into something else; daylight is familiar and easy, a favorite blanket. Night is somewhere far away you’ve never been, with no one you know around you…yet somehow, you fall soundly asleep and have beautiful dreams.
   That was the only explanation. It had to be a dream. US-421 had no cars commuting back and forth, there were no eighteen wheelers threading the needle between a compact and a hard place. Instead of headlights, there were stars, more than I had ever noticed before. The road was cracked and vegetation was beginning to poke its way through…Mother Nature’s way of reclaiming what was rightfully hers.
   We walked along the edge of the road, our path lit by moonlight. The mountains stood as sentinels against a silent sky, like giants hiding secrets from us.
   For the past month I was caught up in how everyone around me felt and, even more, how to fight through the jungle of emotions in my own mind. War does that, I guess. But now I wondered: if the mountains could speak to us, what would they say? Would they forgive humanity or look on in disgust at what we’d done and call us animals?
   I stared off into those mountains and remembered what they used to mean to me: the future. Endless possibility, my wildest hopes. The future. Looking back at them now they were relics of the past, of a life that I never even lived.
   Lya turned to me.
   â€œIs something wrong?”

*  *  *

   â€œI wonder if it’s ever going to end?”
   Lya’s red hair, always full of life, swept itself up in the breeze, billowing like a great cape. The leaves fell down around us, embers floating on the autumn air.
   In the valley below Howard’s Knob, tanks patrolled the streets.
   I thought about what I wanted to say. I wanted so badly to tell her everything was going to be okay, but that was probably more directed towards myself than anything. I knew that wasn’t the truth, but at the same time, I had no idea what the truth even was.
   â€œI don’t know. I hope so,” is what came out.
   Lya’s face showed she didn’t know either. I knew her face well; it had been a familiar sight since we were kids on the playground. It stayed a fixture when I grew up, then grew down, and when I finally began to start upwards again. It was a special face, one that I held dearly to my heart…and seeing it like this was crushing.
   â€œDo you think they’ll ever find out?” Lya asked, turning to me, her hair falling down across the sides of her face.
   â€œAbout what?”
   â€œYou know…about you.”
   About me? I was a little vocal sometimes, sure, but I’d never let anyone but Lya know I wasn’t loyal to the Separatists. I’d never really been loyal to anything; the people on TV telling me what was wrong were just pictures to me. I just wanted to live, really, and the New Union sounded like it was going to let me do just that. It’s a bit of a paradox, sure, but I’m positive I had my reasons, even if I didn’t understand them.
   â€œI haven’t talked to anyone from the NUF in weeks. I’m out of that now, Lya. I know we can’t win.”
   â€œI know, it’s just…they always seem to find out, you know? Remember what happened to Dennis? We thought he was going to be okay.”
   A sudden gust of wind made her huddle in closer to herself, and ever-so-slightly closer to me. I could almost feel her. “It’s just that…I feel like I need something to fight for, you know? Ever since the war started I feel like I’ve been waiting.”
   â€œWaiting for what?”
   â€œNothing. Because nothing’s going to happen unless I do something.”
   â€œBut I don’t want you to do anything, Scott.” For once, she was being completely unambiguous about what she wanted…
   She glanced away from me, almost as if she had something to hide. “Just…if you feel like you have to fight for something, fight for yourself…okay? Fight for me, fight for Caleb, fight for Rachel, for whoever…just don’t fight for something that’s not what you know just because it…” She struggled. “Because it makes you feel like you’re standing for something.”
   I couldn’t be offended.
   â€œLook, I know how that sounds, it’s just…I want to have you around, you know?
   Lya’s head fell on my shoulder, and I stroked her hair gently. I stared in the direction of the setting sun, and didn’t close my eyes.

*  *  *

   â€œHey, Scott? Does your watch still work?”
   My moment of reflection was brought down to earth by Lya’s voice. I turned to her, not really thinking anything, and glanced down at my watch. I was pretty sure it was 9 PM around an hour ago.
   â€œNo, I don’t think so.”
   We all kind of slowed to a stop, brought about by some sort of strange group mentality. However, no one really did anything except look down, up, around, in any direction that was out of the perimeter of someone else’s line of sight. I decided to be different, and instead sat down. I eventually succumbed to avoidant glances as well, but with a purpose: we had to find some place to stop for the night, some place where any stray patrols or Loners wouldn’t find us.
   Darting my head back and forth wasn’t sufficient enough for the task, so I put my feet to work instead and found a path up and around a rock face. It’d be hard, but we could scramble up on our hands and feet.
   â€œYou guys tired?”
   Patrick turned to me, his face distant as it always was for reasons I didn’t know. “Not really. I could probably keep going for a while.”
   â€œYeah, but it’s getting dark,” said Lya. “We don’t want to run into any Loners like last night.” Her face gave away her fear.

well i dont have that system and it is very hard to care about everything when you are single

[Nabeshin]

Nabeshin

Re: [WIP] Written in Lights

!

Ooh, ahh..
I'm intrigued.  Way to be intriguing.
I don't get intrigued often, I swear.

[Wasabi]

Wasabi

Re: [WIP] Written in Lights

Way to draw people in man. That was great .

Your community is a bunch of stuck up turds.

[Dantztron 3030]

Dantztron 3030

Re: [WIP] Written in Lights

Thanks guys! I'm not too proud of the opening paragraph, as I feel it sounds a little cliche, but it's more of a placeholder, really.

How do you guys feel about the semi-ambiguous backstory? I didn't have a lot of fans of that style in IRC last night.

well i dont have that system and it is very hard to care about everything when you are single

[Mamoruanime]

Mamoruanime

Re: [WIP] Written in Lights

I read through it... You owe me some via...gratitude....

Anyway pretty much what I said before with what you elaborated on in chat :p

I like the idea of it being pseudofuture, and slightly vague on that concept... I also think if you're going to take it into a direction of a religion taking over, freemasonry as a standardized religion is perfect for a government controlled society, and it fits more with what you were saying about neoconservatives rising up :p

[Dantztron 3030]

Dantztron 3030

Re: [WIP] Written in Lights

I've added a bit more, and I'm also completely changing the narrative structure to make it a bit more complex...you'll see what I mean I'm trying some stylistic tricks too, let's see if anyone can pick up on it.

I don’t know if you’ve ever noticed, but the world is different when night comes creeping. The differences go beyond the surface and reach into the indecipherable and the ethereal, beyond the darkness and the quiet. The very fabric of existence seems to undergo a shift into something else; daylight is familiar and easy, a favorite blanket. Night is somewhere far away you’ve never been, with no one you know around you…yet somehow, you fall soundly asleep and have beautiful dreams.
   That was the only explanation. It had to be a dream. US-421 had no cars commuting back and forth, there were no eighteen wheelers threading the needle between a compact and a hard place. Instead of headlights, there were stars, more than I had ever noticed before. The road was cracked and vegetation was beginning to poke its way through…Mother Nature’s way of reclaiming what was rightfully hers.
   We walked along the edge of the road, our path lit by moonlight. The mountains stood as sentinels against a silent sky, like giants hiding secrets from us.
   For the past month I was caught up in how everyone around me felt and, even more, how to fight through the jungle of emotions in my own mind. War does that, I guess. But now I wondered: if the mountains could speak to us, what would they say? Would they forgive humanity or look on in disgust at what we’d done and call us animals?
   I stared off into those mountains and remembered what they used to mean to me: the future. Endless possibility, my wildest hopes. The future. Looking back at them now they were relics of the past, of a life that I never even lived.
   Lya turned to me.
   â€œIs something wrong?”

I.   Nothing Gold Can Stay

1.

   â€œI wonder if it’s ever going to end?”
   Lya’s red hair, always full of life, swept itself up in the breeze, billowing like a great cape. The leaves fell down around us, embers floating on the autumn air.
   In the valley below Howard’s Knob, tanks patrolled the streets.
   I thought about what I wanted to say. I wanted so badly to tell her everything was going to be okay, but that was probably more directed towards myself than anything. I knew that wasn’t the truth, but at the same time, I had no idea what the truth even was.
   â€œI don’t know. I hope so,” is what came out.
   Lya’s face showed she didn’t know either. I knew her face well; it had been a familiar sight since we were kids on the playground. It stayed a fixture when I grew up, then grew down, and when I finally began to start upwards again. It was a special face, one that I held dearly to my heart…and seeing it like this was crushing.
   â€œDo you think they’ll ever find out?” Lya asked, turning to me, her hair falling down across the sides of her face.
   â€œAbout what?”
   â€œYou know…about you.”
   About me? I was a little vocal sometimes, sure, but I’d never let anyone but Lya know I wasn’t loyal to the Separatists. I’d never really been loyal to anything; the people on TV telling me what was wrong were just pictures to me. I just wanted to live, really, and the New Union sounded like it was going to let me do just that. It’s a bit of a paradox, sure, but I’m positive I had my reasons, even if I didn’t understand them.
   â€œI haven’t talked to anyone from the NUF in weeks. I’m out of that now, Lya. I know we can’t win.”
   â€œI know, it’s just…they always seem to find out, you know? Remember what happened to Dennis? We thought he was going to be okay.”
   A sudden gust of wind made her huddle in closer to herself, and ever-so-slightly closer to me. I could almost feel her. “It’s just that…I feel like I need something to fight for, you know? Ever since the war started I feel like I’ve been waiting.”
   â€œWaiting for what?”
   â€œNothing. Because nothing’s going to happen unless I do something.”
   â€œBut I don’t want you to do anything, Scott.” For once, she was being completely unambiguous about what she wanted…
   She glanced away from me, almost as if she had something to hide. “Just…if you feel like you have to fight for something, fight for yourself…okay? Fight for me, fight for Caleb, fight for Rachel, for whoever…just don’t fight for something that’s not what you know just because it…” She struggled. “Because it makes you feel like you’re standing for something.”
   I couldn’t be offended.
   â€œLook, I know how that sounds, it’s just…I want to have you around, okay?”
   Lya’s head fell on my shoulder, and I stroked her hair gently. I stared in the direction of the setting sun, and didn’t close my eyes.

*  *  *

II. Nowhere Fast

2.

   â€œHey, Scott? Does your watch still work?”
   My moment of reflection was brought down to earth by Lya’s voice. I turned to her, not really thinking anything, and glanced down at my watch. I was pretty sure it was 9 PM around an hour ago.
   â€œNo, I don’t think so.”
   We all kind of slowed to a stop, brought about by some sort of strange group mentality. However, no one really did anything except look down, up, around, in any direction that was out of the perimeter of someone else’s line of sight. I decided to be different, and instead sat down. I eventually succumbed to avoidant glances as well, but with a purpose: we had to find some place to stop for the night, some place where any stray patrols or Loners wouldn’t find us.
   Darting my head back and forth wasn’t sufficient enough for the task, so I put my feet to work instead and found a path up and around a rock face. It’d be hard, but we could scramble up on our hands and feet.
   â€œYou guys tired?”
   Patrick turned to me, his face distant as it always was for reasons I didn’t know. “Not really. I could probably keep going for a while.”
   â€œYeah, but it’s getting dark,” said Lya. “We don’t want to run into any Loners like last night.” Her face gave away her fear, and I felt the shiver she must have had coursing through her. Our dying flashlight carved a spotty path through the overgrowth, and our journey up was full of slips and scrapes. Pebbles fell off the path and scattered themselves along the road with clumps of dirt, and life was crushed in our wake.  The cliff was an endless fortress, and we were insects amongst gods.
   Eventually, a sanctuary revealed itself amongst the hidden trees. The ground was a bit damp, but there was sheltered wood nearby that we could use to keep warm. Patrick, for once putting his trusty lighter to good use, decided to get the fire going while I pulled what blankets we had out of my bag.
   Lya kept to herself.
   As always, I slept off to the side. As always, the fire was barely warm, and as always I only had an extra layer of dirty sheets to keep me company. As always, Lya and Patrick were curled up together, the flickering fire giving their shadow the look of giants. As always I saw things in the trees, evil things, things that were products of something that was not home, things that weren’t really there.
   And as always, I watched over her, the stars keeping me awake as I huddled against the breeze.

*  *  *

3.

   I didn’t want the lights on. I didn’t want the windows open. I didn’t want to hear someone telling me more !@#$% on the television set. I wanted nothing. I wanted everything.
   I was alone again. For three days now, my room was a prison. I had no idea where Brian was, again. I was afraid to go outside now. Rules meant nothing; anything outside was an invitation for disaster.
   I missed her.
   My computer screen illuminated the desk in front of me, the desk I had been staring at for hours. It was filled with pens, bottle caps, a paper that had lain dormant forever now, finished and never read. There was a picture stuck to my monitor, a picture that I avoided looking at. There was a piece of paper there too, crinkled from a long stay in my pocket: Hill St 1130. Wait. I picked it up and tossed it somewhere.
   I was restless, and my blinds were drifting back and forth, a sign that even if the city was sleeping, something was alive around here besides me, even if it spoke no words, only false hope. I walked over to the window and surprisingly, the lot was empty, which meant someone was in trouble. I didn’t know where she was, or Caleb, or Rachel, or anyone. The wind was cold.
   I found the note on the ground. Hill St 1130. Wait.
   I decided I put it in my pocket, and put on my jacket.

*  *  *

III. A State of Nature is a State of War

1.

   Lya trembled with fear next to me, as I did. It was dark and I couldn’t see anything; the shadows consumed us and the house, and strange noises came from strange places and strange things. I was dying, I was sure. Water dripped slowly from somewhere onto my head
   Somewhere, footsteps. Heavy boots crashing against ancient wood.
   â€œCome on, you kids are from the university! I’m sure you’ve read Hobbes and Darwin and all those blowhards. This is the way things are supposed to be.” Click click.
   Lya clung to me; I was a statue. I was part of the walls and the floor, and the mildew and decay were seeping into my skin, freezing me in time where I would sit and die, just like this place. I had to move.
   I managed to rise as quietly as I could, signaling Lya to be quiet, her nervous shuddering almost giving away where we were.
   â€œDer Wille Zur Macht? The ubermansch? I’m not speaking !@#$% Greek, answer me!”

well i dont have that system and it is very hard to care about everything when you are single

[Dantztron 3030]

Dantztron 3030

Re: [WIP] Written in Lights

First update in ages, but this is still being worked on...amidst other projects, schoolwork, and the new job This section is extremely personal, so make of it what you will. Look out for parallel sentence structure...it gives away some hidden details about our main character.

IV. Now Only Dreams

3.

   â€œWhat’s wrong?”
   â€œNothing.”
   â€œScott, I know something’s wrong. Tell me.”
   We lay naked there together but apart, air under the blanket separating our bodies that had just been so stiffly interwoven. The room was oppressively hot; it was the first day of fall and the weather was unexpectedly bitter, so the heat was turned up. Given my current state, I was about to die.
   I tumbled off of my bed and went to the window. Upon opening it I was greeted with a cold blast of nature, so frigid that I almost lost my breath.
   I turned to Kate. She was huddled in my comforter, her tiny frame lost beneath mounds of blankets and her hair in a tangly mess over her natural face, which wore an expression of profound confusion and concern.
   â€œThings haven’t been the same lately. You don’t look at me the same way when we…”
   â€œWell, how do you want me to look at you?”
   There was a painful silence, and I held my head low. “Like you want me. Like you did the first night we did it.” She looked at me almost pleadingly…maybe that’s how I was supposed to look? Like I was begging her?
   I sighed and got back up on the bed, craving warmth. Kate’s head fell on my lap, and I stroked her hair gently.
   I thought about what was wrong. I wanted so badly to tell her I loved her, to tell her I needed her, to tell her nothing in the world was more beautiful than me inside of her…but that was probably more directed towards me than her. I wanted to know that was the truth.
   Kate stared up at me, vulnerable. “Scott…do you love me?”
   I stared her in the eyes, bent down, and kissed her softly. “Of course I do. I’ve just…I’ve just got a lot on my mind.”
   I felt frustration coming from her, even if I didn’t see it. “But what? What are you so worried about?”
   â€œI don’t know” was what came out.
   I laid down and she moved herself next to me, still staring into my eyes as if she was trying to grab the uncertainty out of my head. I laid my hand upon her face, as I had so many times before when I stared at her like this. She really was beautiful.
   It was such a shame that I felt nothing.

well i dont have that system and it is very hard to care about everything when you are single

[Dantztron 3030]

Dantztron 3030

Re: [WIP] Written in Lights

Yet another update/excerpt/teaser that I need critiquing, especially stylistically. Also mods, this is an ongoing creative project, despite not being game development related, so is there anyway it could be moved into the projects board to get a little more attention? Thanks

   In that moment I was a drop in the ocean. The air was static, white noise. Indecipherable voices from every angle, all in bliss and excitement. Kate was next to me amidst the rising tide, the bright sun shooting rays through the newly autumnal air as our hands entwined. September was here, October was coming soon, and November was on the horizon. Dennis was there too, and Lya was on my other side, and Pat on hers; their faces were invisible but I could feel their warmth cascading through the energy of the hour.
   In that moment I was something. My life was a legend, and my story timeless. Our story was timeless. We were a force, a movement, a revolution. We were scribbled words on a fresh page of history, words marked hastily in a fit of sudden inspiration.
   I think I loved her then.
   I remember a day under a tree that whose leaves were just beginning to turn, and the sun making the world glow. I remember the ground was just a bit moist from old rain, and a girl that fit the scene in her spaghetti straps and flowing, patterned skirt whose colors were indistinguishable from the sources of the shifting shadows. I remember laughter as we watched the sky grow dark and the clouds give up their losing battle.
   He took the stage, and the roar was deafening. That familiar smile, in front of me, in real life for the first time. A teardrop bubbling in the eye of eternity. He was merely a man, but so was I, and so was everyone else, and it made us all understand each other for a while.
   The noise parted, and he spoke. There was laughter, there were cheers. I turned to Lya and she turned to me with a smile, and I was still holding Kate’s hand, though I didn’t quite know if she was looking at me. The words moved my eyes and directed them to the apex of the field where the focus of the crowd was pointed, and everything, for once, felt like it was going to be okay. I had heard so many horrible things, people killing, people promising to convert us all, people saying that we would all pay for our sins. I had heard them, and been afraid. I hadn’t been alone. The sun blurred the leaves on the trees and a breeze rushed through the crowd. I wasn’t going to be afraid anymore.
   I wasn’t going to be afraid anymore, I told myself.
   I remember a dance with low lights and stupid clothing that didn’t fit well with a girl who was much more beautiful, and who seemed to fit perfectly. I remember, somehow, the lights making her face stand out as she stared into mine. I remember saying a lot but feeling like I was speaking nothing. I remember her smiling or burying her head in my shoulder when I said something particularly profound, but I still can’t remember any of the words. I remember thinking of the future and how unsure I was, how afraid I was, and of the present and how it was an earthquake under my graceless feet.
   There was something that united us all. Something innately wonderful, powerful, human about everyone. We all wanted the best in our hearts. We all wanted a utopia, and we couldn’t achieve it, but we could try. We were creatures of dogged optimism, beings that saw mist and filled our lungs to part it as we trudged through by torchlight to places unknown and frontiers unfamiliar. That dream wasn’t just a picture: it was real, and it was something we could all understand. We were separate, but together we were humanity and one and something.
   A breeze ran through the crowd again.
   I remember guilt. I remember perpetual ambiguity and the terrible hold it had on me. I remember a sleepless night on the hood of a car in a parking lot under millions of stars, and we were all there, and existence was the topic of the hour. Kate was in my arms and, for a moment, in my heart…but so was something else. Longing? Regret? I didn’t know. All I know is that I looked at Lya and suddenly I wondered what the hell I was doing…who this girl I whispered “I love you” to every night was and whose hips were locked into my arms. Who was this ghost that pressed her lips against mine?
   It was in the middle of a cheer that the gun spoke death.
   His life flew away on the wind and evaporated into nothingness, and our spirits followed. Disintegration gave way to confusion and panic as the people in gold, the ones who would save us and heal us, made the stage their own and drew their guns.
   Kate was behind me I think as I ran and I ran and I ran and I don’t know where I went and there was screaming and I heard people dying and gunshots and felt warm blood on my face and tried to find our car and keep her from being trampled to death under the feet of all these insects and then I heard her voice, her voice…
   â€œOver here!”
   I remember a car ride on winding roads to somewhere from nowhere, and the gusts that came through the open windows, through which I saw swirling colors that vaguely resembled trees. I remember the fabric of the seat, and ignoring my body’s pleas for rest as I drove on despite the reflection in the rear view mirror showing people who were doing exactly the opposite. I remember the night before…or rather I don’t, as I laugh thinking about it.
   I remember talking with Lya the entire time. I remember our words weren’t poetry, and our chemistry wasn’t a love story. But I also remember looking at her with a smile on my face after laughter, and realizing that my life began and ended there. She was everything I had ever wanted.
   I remember a car ride back where all was silence. Two things in my life died that day.

well i dont have that system and it is very hard to care about everything when you are single

[Hoffy]

Hoffy

Re: [WIP] Written in Lights

Well, !@#$%. His girl died .

I'm sorry, I was trying to look for the stylistics you were using, but I got too caught up in the atmosphere, or the diegesis, that I really stopped looking for specific techniques. Some great use of metaphor, sibilant alliteration, and imagery, though . Oh! And repetition. "but that was probably more directed towards myself than anything," and "but that was probably more directed towards me than her." Nice .

The story itself is really awesomely structured. I like it how the situation isn't always clear, of what their doing, it's like a diary entry. You're not completely sure what's happened since the last chapter... it's really well done. And really nice language. You're a good writer .

Sometimes I felt like I got lost in the ambiguity of Scott's head, though.

Hoffy.

[Dantztron 3030]

Dantztron 3030

Re: [WIP] Written in Lights

Well, !@#$%. His girl died .

I'm sorry, I was trying to look for the stylistics you were using, but I got too caught up in the atmosphere, or the diegesis, that I really stopped looking for specific techniques. Some great use of metaphor, sibilant alliteration, and imagery, though . Oh! And repetition. "but that was probably more directed towards myself than anything," and "but that was probably more directed towards me than her." Nice .

The story itself is really awesomely structured. I like it how the situation isn't always clear, of what their doing, it's like a diary entry. You're not completely sure what's happened since the last chapter... it's really well done. And really nice language. You're a good writer .

Sometimes I felt like I got lost in the ambiguity of Scott's head, though.

Holy !@#$%, a reply!

Actually, the thing that died was A) the guy on stage and B) the realization that he was becoming a victim of unrequited love. Perhaps I need to make this distinction clearer.

This story is actually finished now...PM me if you would like a copy.

well i dont have that system and it is very hard to care about everything when you are single

[Dantztron 3030]

Dantztron 3030

Re: [WIP] Written in Lights

Just so everyone knows, the first draft of this story has been completed. Feel free to read and share with friends. http://www.mediafire.com/?sharekey=bb2bd02191a7110b90a82c7bb0fad7ade04e75f6e8ebb871

well i dont have that system and it is very hard to care about everything when you are single