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Author Topic: Why have we allowed former Axis powers to obtain Raccoons?  (Read 3667 times)

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Why have we allowed former Axis powers to obtain...
« on: October 05, 2008, 08:12:52 pm »
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http://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/commons/0/04/Raccoon-range.png

Notice the Raccoon populations in Germany and Japan. Is it not suspicious that both those countries were our enemies in World War II, and now they have gone out of their way to obtain and maintain raccoon populations? According to Wikipedia, Germany was trying to develop raccoon technology even before the war. And what of these Caucus raccoons? Obviously the Azeris obtained raccoons in order to use them against the Armenians, but it it not strange that the Russians are now trying to invade Georgia, a strategic Caucus Raccoon location? Russia's tensions with Belarus? These wars aren't about territory or ethnicity! They're about obtaining raccoons!

I think it's pretty clear that raccoons are an even bigger threat than nuclear weapons. We can only pray that Iran or North Korea don't obtain raccoon technology.

http://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/commons/e/ed/Raccoon_%28Procyon_lotor%29_2.jpg

Distribution outside North America

As a result of escapes and deliberate introductions in the mid-20th century, the raccoon is now distributed in several European and Asian countries. Sightings have occurred in all bordering countries of Germany, which hosts the largest population outside of North America.[127] Another stable population exists in the north of France where several pet raccoons were released by members of the U.S. Air Force near the Laon-Couvron Air Base in 1966.[128] 1243 animals were released in nine regions of the former Soviet Union between 1936 and 1958 with the intent of later hunting them for their fur. Two of these series of introduction were successful: the one in the south of Belarus between 1954 and 1958 and especially the one in Azerbaijan between 1941 and 1957. With an annual harvest of between 1,000 and 1,500 animals, it was estimated in 1974 that the size of the population distributed in the Caucasus region was around 20,000 animals and the density was four animals per km².[129] In Japan, up to 1,500 raccoons were imported as pets each year after the success of the anime series Rascal the Raccoon (1977). In 2004, the descendants of discarded or escaped animals lived in 42 of 47 prefectures.[130][131][132]

Distribution in Germany

On April 12, 1934, two pairs of raccoons were released into the German nature at the Edersee in the north of Hesse by forest superintendent Wilhelm Freiherr Sittich von Berlepsch upon request of their owner, the poultry farmer Rolf Haag.[133] He released them two weeks before receiving permission from the Prussian hunting office to “enrich the fauna”, as Haag's request stated.[134] Several prior attempts to introduce raccoons in Germany were not successful.[135] A second population originated in East Germany in 1945 when 25 raccoons escaped from a fur farm at Wolfshagen to the east of Berlin after an air strike. The two populations are parasitologically distinguishable: 70% of the raccoons of the Hessian population are infected with the roundworm Baylisascaris procyonis, but none of the Brandenburgian population.[136] The estimated number of raccoons was 285 animals in 1956 and over 20,000 animals in 1970 in the Hessian region and between 200,000 and 400,000 animals in 2008 in the whole of Germany.[137][107]
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ROLL TIDE WHAT? **** YOU!!! Geaux Tiga

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Re: Why have we allowed former Axis powers to ob...
« Reply #1 on: October 05, 2008, 08:35:33 pm »
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Perhaps, walnut100, you have misunderstood just WHO the raccoons are truly working for.

Look at who won the second World War. These raccoons are the key to OUR victory. They undermined German and Japanese war efforts from behind the scenes and they will do it again.

Russia is making a huge mistake.
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Re: Why have we allowed former Axis powers to ob...
« Reply #2 on: October 05, 2008, 08:38:15 pm »
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But Winnar, are the raccoons truly working for us, or are they biding their time until they destroy our country's infastructure? I say we act now while we still have time and purge Europe of all raccoon technology.
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Re: Why have we allowed former Axis powers to ob...
« Reply #3 on: October 05, 2008, 08:40:56 pm »
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Zidane, I feel as though Winnar may have a point. They came from the Americas originally, why would they be trying to destroy our nations when they're probably out performing recon for us? I do say Winnar has put new light on this situation for me and has caused me to refocus my thoughts on the matter.
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Re: Why have we allowed former Axis powers to ob...
« Reply #4 on: October 05, 2008, 08:46:52 pm »
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Zidane has a very valid point, though. The raccoons could be a separate, bipartisan superpower who swear allegiance to none.

Pray that we remain in the raccoons' good favor.
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Re: Why have we allowed former Axis powers to ob...
« Reply #5 on: October 05, 2008, 08:52:16 pm »
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Well, whatever may happen, we must still beseech these creatures to make entirely sure that we remain in good hands just in case of any negative happenings.

Like I have stated before, we MUST rid Europe of this Raccoon resource!
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Re: Why have we allowed former Axis powers to ob...
« Reply #6 on: October 05, 2008, 08:59:58 pm »
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This seems a logical course of action. I'm calling my senators as I type this out.
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Re: Why have we allowed former Axis powers to ob...
« Reply #7 on: October 05, 2008, 09:02:40 pm »
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Yes Winnar, perfect course of action! We must also write them to take preventative action from letting Iran or North Korea obtain these Raccoonlear Weapons of Trash Destruction. I'm opening up Word as we type.
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ROLL TIDE WHAT? **** YOU!!! Geaux Tiga

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Re: Why have we allowed former Axis powers to ob...
« Reply #8 on: October 05, 2008, 09:05:02 pm »
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Well, if this the course of action that we are to take, I must get in touch with my consultant to let him know. I am sending a messenger pigeon as I type this.
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Re: Why have we allowed former Axis powers to ob...
« Reply #9 on: October 05, 2008, 09:16:21 pm »
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You're misinformed on the whereabouts of said "Raccoons": If you were to check article 2b.3 of the United Nations files on "Post-War Axis'", you would have to take note that we have not let them obtain them, but rather due to our strict regulations in the U.S.A. have taken our beautician's products over there to experiment with. Again, research would have shown you what you obviously missed in your attempt to create a panic.
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Re: Why have we allowed former Axis powers to ob...
« Reply #10 on: October 06, 2008, 02:27:42 am »
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Let us not forget the undeniably important role of raccoons in espionage my friends.
Raccoons are known for their memory and just look at that facial mask! (To conceal their identity, no doubt!)

"raccoons were able to open 11 of 13 complex locks in less than 10 tries and had no problems subsequently when the locks were rearranged or turned upside down. [I] concluded that they understood the abstract principles of the locking mechanisms and that their learning speed was equivalent to that of rhesus macaques." -ethologist H. B. Davis in a 1908 study

I do not think we can even begin to comprehend the importance of what we are dealing with here, I'm looking into this further as I type.
« Last Edit: October 06, 2008, 02:56:30 pm by Leviathan »
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Re: Why have we allowed former Axis powers to ob...
« Reply #11 on: October 06, 2008, 02:44:31 am »
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I don't want to alarm anyone, but I have heard that the Japanese have a rare specimen of racoon in a secret base. They call it a "Tanuki". I've heard things about it...terrible, terrible things.
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Re: Why have we allowed former Axis powers to ob...
« Reply #12 on: October 06, 2008, 03:46:12 am »
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My God...we know not the forces we are meddling with. Perhaps it would be best if this thread were closed and never brought up again... No. That would not be a good enough guarantee.

To ensure that the subject is never mentioned between us, I propose we say our goodbyes. It is a tough price to pay, but I believe it is for the best. The only way we can be sure that this will never come up again is to never speak to one another from this point forward.

Goodbye all, I wish you good luck in all your future endeavors.

Winnar
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Swoftu

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Re: Why have we allowed former Axis powers to ob...
« Reply #13 on: October 06, 2008, 04:18:13 am »
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!@#$% you guys, Opossums are more dangerous.
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Pyrazor

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Re: Why have we allowed former Axis powers to ob...
« Reply #14 on: October 06, 2008, 04:25:22 am »
  • OH LARD IZ PORKCHOP, BUST OUT DA HAPPY SNACKS
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Wait Winnar, I believe Swoftu has a point.  Indeed, Opossums may very well be the one faction capable of opposing the Raccoons.  I'm sending them a text message as I type. 
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I C'Z U
Re: Why have we allowed former Axis powers to ob...
« Reply #15 on: October 06, 2008, 04:32:35 am »
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I'm currently logged into a free wifi spot at an unspecified location. I'm on the road to nowhere currently and I humbly beseech you all do the same.

...However what Pyrazor says may hold some truth to it. I need to rethink EVERYTHING. Opossums could very well be our only hope, should we fall out of the raccoons' favor.

We should keep relations with opossums good, in the time being. I'm throwing a message in a bottle out to sea as I'm typing this post.
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Swoftu

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Re: Why have we allowed former Axis powers to ob...
« Reply #16 on: October 06, 2008, 04:41:26 am »
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That's like asking the Zerg for help in defeating the UED.

You're all screwed later.
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Re: Why have we allowed former Axis powers to ob...
« Reply #17 on: October 06, 2008, 04:46:26 am »
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Swoftu speaks yet more wisdom... Unsettling as it is, Swoftu is absolutely right.

I believe this calls for a suicide pact. I'll get the gang together, I'm paging everyone as I type.
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Argentum

Re: Why have we allowed former Axis powers to ob...
« Reply #18 on: October 06, 2008, 05:01:08 am »
It's no use. The opossums have already aligned themselves with the raccoons. The world is now hopelessly imperiled. Our only hope is to make a last-ditch effort at converting the LHC into an anti-rodent pulse generator. I'm e-mailing CERN as I type.
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Re: Why have we allowed former Axis powers to ob...
« Reply #19 on: October 06, 2008, 01:16:21 pm »
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It's no use. The opossums have already aligned themselves with the raccoons. The world is now hopelessly imperiled. Our only hope is to make a last-ditch effort at converting the LHC into an anti-rodent pulse generator. I'm e-mailing CERN as I type.

Ah, but there is where you are wrong. I have checked in recently with my closed contacts and the opossum are nowhere near an alliance with the Raccoon.

For now, we must try and persuade the opossum. We must try whatever we can. Bribe them, give them political rights, and yes, even perhaps BREED. That last choice will only call when desperate measures are needed as they can never say no to breeding, ESPECIALLY inbreeding. I will get in contact with one of my contacts on the opossum side to see if we can sketch out some sort of deal before they really DO align with the Raccoons. I'm sending it by snail mail as I type this out.
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