Motherfucking Hank Brimstone. Yeah that's right, he's one badass motherfucker. What are you going to do about it? Cry like a baby? Of course you are, because he will !@#$% you up.
And did you know he can kill you with little more than a spoon!? Yeah that's right. Did you know he's an ex mercenary who's slaughtered over a million terrorists and sent them all to hell where they belong? Well !@#$% yeah he did.
Right; He's so badass that even in death he's still awesome. Yes that's right, Hank's dead, and in HELL. HelL.A. to be exact; a giant hellish metropolis in California. How did he get there you ask? I can explain that in just a few sentences.
But was it by the hands of Osama Bin Laden? Nah... Was it by riding a missile over to the terrorist base so he could kill them himself!? Not at all. He had just gotten done having sex with the sexiest soviet ever; Soviet Slutski, and got up to take his morning dump. Grabbed himself a beer and a news paper, and planted his cheeks on the toilet. What came next will never be forgotten... He took the manliest !@#$% ever, which cost him his life.
Lo, he felt the earth rumble, and the skies blacken, and when he stepped out of his shitter, he noticed he was in Hell. Not the friendly, cheery hell you read about in books, but a WORSE Hell, with bad traffic, and horrible coffee. That's right. The "BAD" Hell.
Enigmatic and baffling! Why was he there? What in God's name was he doing in Hell??? Wasn't he doing good as a gun for hire?! Wasn't his gunstore "Firearms and Brimstone" a great justice on the earth!? !@#$% yeah those things were good, and that's not what landed him in Hell. In fact, he was so just and well known that even God himself wanted Hank to go on a mission for BLOOD. Not just any blood, but Lucifer's blood.
Could it really be that Hank is SO badass, that he's off to save humanity? We sure think so. Even as a child he was so badass he could kill someone with just a spoon and some peas from his school lunch. If you don't believe me, watch the video-
http://yoroshii.org/Mamoruanime/LunchRoomBlitz.swfAnd that brings me to his early life, as I've gotten ahead of myself telling the awesome glory that IS Hank "Motherfucking" Brimstone. His tale starts as he was coming out of the womb.
Kicking and screaming, his mother knew that she was giving birth to someone who would be badass. Hank RIPPED through her womb and onto the floor of the hospital with a mean look on his face and a notion to kill. He ran out of the hospital and began a hard life as a MAN. A MAN manly enough to live on his own.
Enough time went by for him to be a seasoned military contract killer, he went on mission after mission fighting the evils of the earth, and cashing in a hefty paycheck. He knew his calling, and his skill.
Afganistan, in the middle of the desert, Hank found his greatest challenge... He was a POW in a terrorist camp, with no weapons... No equipment... Only thing he was equipped with was his trusty spoon from the meal the night before. He knew it was his only shot to escape! Meticulously he studied killshots with that spoon... The weapon that would free him from that hell; if you can call it that.
Losing his patience, he SLIT THE GUARDS throat with the spoon, and began to plow his way through countless terrorists. ONE IN THE GUT. ONE IN THE JUGULAR. One kill shot after another. He had become a master of the spoon. He finally escaped...
Some time later, Hank Brimstone realized he could no longer be a military dog... He had to start his own life away from their contracts... He decided to purchase a home in Los Angeles; a peaceful city where he could get away from it all....
Operating his store became his passion. Opening Firearms and Brimstone: Death and Death Accessories became his lifes work. He was able to spread the power to fight terror to everyone, both young and old, showing everyone that they can be just as badass as he is.
This dream wouldn't last long however... As he would end up exactly where I said he would earlier on in this whole lengthy and pointless story. In HelL.A. But hey, it's better than New York, right?
Hank's plight in Hell... His new mission... No; his new MANLY mission... is to stop Lucifer from destroying the Earth. No actually that's a lie. Hank stopped taking orders from people, remember? He wanted to get away from that. Why would he take this mission now after ALL of that work!? His mission is to escape... from HelL.A.! But how!?
Eternal Hell Legends state that the only way to exit hell is by crossing the Highway from Hell... But the traffic is horrible. Only way through it is if Hell freezes over. Only way to freeze Hell is by defeating Lucifer. Catch 22.
God certainly planned for Hank to complete his mission, no matter what... So he begins his journey.
Albeit the odds are against him, Hank "Motherfucking" Brimstone never loses. Not ever. To anyone. He isn't alone on his plight though... You see, there's a process to dying. You die, you go to hell, you're assigned a tour guide who is built to the opposite of your preferences. That's right, Hank has a tour guide.
Mangoat. Yup. A Mangoat. Half man, half goat. Not the way you'd think it would be though... you know; the "cool" way. He's not top half man, bottom half goat. No, he's top half goat, bottom half man. Pretty weak, huh? He looks a bit like this-
Enough rambling. Hank's in deep. He can make it though. He's the epitome of manliness.
Stay Tuned for Z! True Hollywood Story!
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Topic: [Primary] Hank "Motherfucking" Brimstone. (Read 2916 times)