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Author Topic: Here's a couple touching poems I wrote.  (Read 724 times)

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Nebetsu

Harbinger
Here's a couple touching poems I wrote.
« on: November 23, 2007, 09:35:39 am »
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You are a flower
Each petal, unerring
In every way

You make woe cower
And right now I'm daring
To feel blessed today




AND:

I love you. I love you.
I cannot say it enough.
My seams are splitting, it seems.
Just to hold in my feelings of things.
Of your face, skin, grace, chin.
Your hair, ears, flair, tears.
Of all these pretty themes.
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  • Yiddish Nebbish
Re: Here's a couple touching poems I wrote.
« Reply #1 on: November 23, 2007, 08:21:26 pm »
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Failure.

I saw the words "Here's a couple touching" and I thought the remaining words would be "each other".

Instead I get generic, boring love poems. Pfft.
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Nebetsu

Harbinger
Re: Here's a couple touching poems I wrote.
« Reply #2 on: November 23, 2007, 08:51:46 pm »
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I think the first one is good. Not that keen on the second one.

The first one is intense because it has a 565 565 syllable pattern AND an ABC ABC rhyme scheme
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  • Yiddish Nebbish
Re: Here's a couple touching poems I wrote.
« Reply #3 on: November 26, 2007, 04:02:05 am »
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Dang I thought they were going to be funny. Not many people I know would actually post "touching" poems to a forum made up mostly of teenage guys =P
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Hoffy

Hero of Fire
Re: Here's a couple touching poems I wrote.
« Reply #4 on: November 26, 2007, 04:54:42 am »
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If Source were here, he'd give you the Official Not Manly Award.

But seriously, they are sort of generic love poems. The line 'I love you, I love you' is far too weak... it seems like you're a good writer and you probably have experience in other areas and genres of writing, but this doesn't really seem like your thing.

But, the first is definitely better than the second. And now that I read it again, I realise it's not that bad.
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Hoffy.
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