(Your links are broken, I had to follow the one in your sig)
I'm known on ZFGC for my absolute hatred of fan fiction, but because I'm trying to respect other aspiring writers even if it pains me to do so, I'm going to give you a very honest review of this. Before you vent your rage, please understand this: I have been writing as a hobby for eight years. My essays have been published. I am a currently declared English major at an accredited university with a 3.2 GPA. Therefore, I am at least somewhat qualified.
This is just not very good, even for fan fiction.
Now if you're still reading, I will say this: you definitely have a great deal of knowledge about the source material. Keep in mind when I say "knowledge" I mean names and geography; based on the knowledge I do have of Star Wars and Lupin III, your characters are not presented in their respective personalities. That being said, this is why I think it's sad that this talent for memorizing countless names and locations is being wasted on someone else's characters and someone else's world. Now I'll move on to the problems.
- Your grammar and sentence structure is incredibly flawed. Not in terms of spelling, but in how you do not use paragraphs. Paragraphs are there for many reasons: they separate ideas. Think of them as camera cuts in a movie. You can also use them for dramatic effect, to single out a certain element that is extremely important, like a sudden noise, or an unexpected plot twist.
- In most fantasy (which I'm guessing you read a lot of), the incredibly complex lore of the worlds the stories are set in is not revealed all at once. That's okay; it rewards the reader as they continue through the story. You seem to have the need to reveal everything at once, to cram in tons of information. Rather than have build up about how the temporal shift affects everything, which would also give you time to establish characters, et cetera, you just jump right in and slap the reader in the face with tons of information. This is confusing, this is unnecessary, this is distracting.
- "Zenigata pulled out a one-page, two-side medium print contract." Description can flesh out the imagery of any piece of writing, even make it semi-poetic. But when it is THIS exact, THIS sterile, it feels boring and prefabricated. That would be okay if it fit in with the style of a story, but it does not here, because you are not trying to make a bold or symbolic statement by using precise language.
- There are so many plot holes here. How do the Sonic characters even have Star Wars movies to watch, if their universe is separate from the one real people actually live in? How could careless filing somehow disguise the existence of an entire world? Surely there are stories about this in the Hylian culture, some sort of cultural record that, by this point in the world's timeline, would have led a curious person to question it?
- You list things that happen. In real life, things do not just "happen." There are feelings surrounding them, there are sometimes indefinable causes that lead up to them, there is the ever-present ambiguous specter of circumstance there. You need to factor this in to your writing instead of just creating lists.
My sincere advice to you as a fellow writer:
1. Read GOOD fantasy. Check out George R. R. Martin, Patrick Rothfuss, and Terry Goodkind. Note how their incredibly complex stories and universes are revealed by starting in a small location, sometimes an unimportant one, and then branching out gradually. You'll find after reading these 2000+ page monsters that you are still able to retain everything they say. Why do you think this is?
2. Try to create original settings and characters. It will flex your creative muscles, therefore making you a better stylist as well. Writers that succeed don't write fan fiction, period.
3. Constantly let people read anything you write, even if they tell you it's not very good. Be open to suggestions.
4. Don't write a story because you think it's cool to see characters fight or something. Write a story because you think it is worth telling.
Signing off,
Dantz
