I wrote this myself out of sheer boredom a while back. It has nothing to do with the actual history, and that's what makes it fun!
THE HISTORY OF CANADAPART 1: THE BEGINNING OF A NEW LAND
One may say that Canada had, quite frankly, always existed since the beginning of the earth, and/or even the universe. You see, the same molecules that make up Canada today have theoretically been around forever, but what point in time does the massive number of molecules that reside in Canada today become Canada? We may never know. They could always have been Canada, or they could have never been Canada up until a few years ago, or they could have been Canada the moment that it was aptly named Canada. Which ever way you want to see it, Canada has been around for a long time. This is true, unless you’re the person who says it was only Canada a few years ago, then we might have some problems; I’m watching you!
Now we will first talk about the first native inhabitants of this interesting land, the llama. The llamas migrated from South America from the modern day Andes Mountain Range. Thereafter, due to the cold climates and tough, rugged lands of the region of Canada, they evolved into the modern day moose. From here on, the moose (The correct form of the plural moose, my computer says so) were free to roam, explore, and eat anything they wanted in this new and vibrant land. This can be considered a paradise, for there was peace.
The era of the reign of the moose lasted for thousands of years until a new species arrived on a land bridge that connected the American Continent to Russia. This species was called the humans. These people became the Native Americans and continued to migrate south, although some stayed in Canada. Still, these were nice humans, for they only killed five moose a day, unlike the mean type of humans that were yet to come…
PART 2: THE CHINESE FIASCO
Years later when the land bridge had closed and the Native Americans had long forgotten of their original lands, the Chinese had a plan to sail out as far as they could. According to historical records, this was, in fact, earlier than Christopher Columbus. With them, they brought a revered object. The object was an egg, but not just any egg; it was an evil egg; an evil egg with something evil inside of it. Well, at least the moose believed it to be evil, for it was really just your average fifty-story high lizard that was soon to be named Godzilla by the Vikings.
The Chinese stayed in Canada for a very long time (Really only seven and a half years) to learn the way of the moose and bring the moose culture back to their homelands. These years were very prosperous for the overall wellbeing of the moose. Chinese technology, such as the cheese grater, plunger, back scratcher, and gas station made life easier for the moose. When the Chinese set sail back for their homelands, they left the evil egg.
It wasn’t long before the egg hatched, and out of it came Godzilla (As mentioned before). Godzilla ravaged the moose empire and destroyed all that was in his path. The moose had no hope what-so-ever, and soon Godzilla made his way to become supreme dictator of the entire country of Canada. If anyone defied him, Godzilla would just fry them and have moose burgers for dinner. No one dared to oppose: they all lived off rations, were forced to be equal, and America hated them. This was the earliest form of communism, and thusly the same nation that Karl Marx looked to in order to obtain information for his book, The Communist Manifesto, which would later be picked up by Vladimir Lenin and become the government of the former USSR. All that’s another story though, for a ray of light shined off the coast of Canada.
PART 3: THE VIKING SAVIORS
The moose looked to the sea for years while under the rule of Godzilla, hoping that some day, some how, some way, that someone would come and defeat their oppressor. The Vikings unknowingly answered their call, as they had discovered this new land. The Viking leader, Eric the Red, and his right hand man, Billy the Blue, set off to explore deeper into this new land. Godzilla was the first to meet up with the Vikings. He gave them many gifts, like back scratchers and cheese wheels. The Vikings were glad and there was much rejoicing.
This happy era went on for a month, or at least until it happened. The Vikings were, as usual, partying on like no tomorrow. There was much intoxication and confusion, if one wasn’t drunk, in fact, he was at least high; high on stilts (drunken people can’t balance on those things). So, anyway, Godzilla came in and accidentally fried Eric the Red’s left hand man, Gillard the Green, with his death lasers that he shoots out of his mouth. Eric the Red was furious! He took up arms against Godzilla, and this thusly provoked the Thirty-One Minute War. It was, in fact, the quickest war ever in the history of everything.
In the first five minutes, a pact was made between the Vikings and the moose, and in the next 16 minutes, they prepared for war. Ten minutes later, there were no more Vikings, for Godzilla had eaten them all. However, this instigated a rebellion among the empire. The moose took up arms as the Vikings had, but instead, they used Godzilla’s one true weakness: Scottish Terriers.
The moose quickly sent in the Scottish Terriers to profusely bite at the ankles of the great, monstrous lizard. Then, they followed up with a volley of coconuts that were launched from catapults! Godzilla never stood a chance. He then moved on to terrorize Tokyo instead. Canada was once again safe from giant lizards.
PART 4: THE EMERGENCE OF THE MODERN DAY CANADA
The moose were still animals, and thusly did not need any form of government at all. Eventually, American refugees, Mexican refugees, French refugees, and so on made their way to Canada. They attempted to set up a government, but failed again and again. Eventually (as seen in exhibit one
http://myspace-836.vo.llnwd.net/00670/63/87/670007836_l.gif), some of the moose followed a new evolutionary pattern and evolved into the modern day Canadian Lumberjack.
With the aid of the Lumberjack, the refugees were then able to establish a government, one that was exactly like America. Thusly, this is the exact point in time when Canada became not only Canada, but America Junior. Why do most Americans hate Canadians? Canada’s exactly like an illegitimate child of America; an illegitimate child that was raised by moose and outlaws. So, as you can see, Canada is a brilliant place.
PART 5: THE FUTURE OF CANADA
One can only theorize the future of such a country. Eventually, the Canadians may revert back to there primal state and go on living the life of a moose. Well, at least before reverting back into their primal moose state they will probably splice insect genes into a variety of moose. This will create a super moose! A moose capable of withstanding a nuclear war! So when we all kill each other with nukes, the moose will live to see another day, a day of peace.
Hundreds of years from now, Canada will be the capitol of the world. All humans would either abandon earth from the nuclear fallout or die in it. Moose will lead the simple life of galloping through meadows and eating flowers and trees. As you can see, Canada shares a vital role in the continuation of life on planet earth.
CONCLUSION
Canada has given us many great things, like Vikings and Godzilla. Who knows what more it could possibly give us in the future! One things for certain, though, Canada is a very interesting country.